I thought I had things figured out enough that I was at least going in the right direction with my heart, but I’m coming to realize that I have this anchor attached deep inside that restrains me from drifting freely to the movement of God’s Holy Spirit unhindered.
If I get really honest with myself and God I am really ashamed and embarrassed that I am finding myself in this place. I desire to please God, but when it starts to cut a little too deep into what I am comfortable with I tend to pull back and find a place that allows me to be okay with it all. Here lately, the “American Dream” is being tossed in front of me. The Interrupted study we recently started talks about how we are too busy ministering to saved people and dreaming about our next big home. Then, today I find “Radical” and on the cover it says taking back your faith from the American Dream. I visited the website of “Radical” and listened to the video clip available online. It talked about how God might just call you to sell everything you own and follow Him. Could I do it? My stomach did a flip and I sat there with this feeling of not knowing what to do next. The truth of the matter is this...I honestly have tried to get a visual in my minds eye about what it would be like to sell all things that were not absolutely necessary. We are not debt free, but we have been striving toward that goal for a few years now and there is a freedom that comes with paying off debt! We are closer than we have ever been and sometimes I think how cool it would be to just sell off all things that are not needed and pay the remainder of our debt so that all of our income could be directed toward the Kingdom of God. Then...the reality of it all hits me square in the face and takes my breath. Lately, my idea of the American Dream is being flipped upside down.
There is one thing that Jen Hatmaker stated during the Interrupted study...(and I paraphrase)"This isn't fun, but when you get down there in this part of your heart it is where true fulfillment lies." Do you want it? Do I want it?