Missing Me-Ma~

Today is the day that marks the one year anniversary of my Me-Ma leaving this earth to enter into the presence of the Lord! As hard as it is to say goodbye to those that we love so dearly, I am forever thankful that I have the assurance in knowing where she is today.



I was able to sit with my Me-Ma for many days leading up to her final earthly moments. The last day, I was holding hands with Me-Ma while praying for her and the thought came to my mind that I should take a picture of our hands holding each other. Somehow I knew on this day...she would be going. To this day, I frequently look at this photo of our hands locked together and have a sense of her presence as I take my mind back to those memories that are forever locked away inside my heart.

When I think of my Me-Ma, the one thing that floods my heart is LOVE! She loved me so well my entire life. She loved me unconditionally just like Jesus loves me. She was an example of Jesus to me here on this earth. Any advice she ever had to offer me was always given out of love with such a gentle spirit. She was funny with a sense of humor that clicked with mine. We were so much like 2 peas in a pod:) She always encouraged me in my marriage and shared many life experiences about her marriage to Pa (Frank Wright). He was a character...

Most importantly, she always pointed me to the cross of Christ in her own special way all throughout the many seasons of change in my life. God is and always has been so very good to me!

Everytime I see a butterfly, I can't help but think back to a conversation Me-Ma and I had one day at her kitchen table. We were just chatting away about random things and somehow the topic of death and being present with the Lord when we leave this earth came up in discussion. I told her I have no idea if this would ever be possible or not...but I often wondered if in the spiritual realm, could you show up in the lives of those left on earth in the form of a butterfly to just let them know you are near and okay. I told her which ever one of us goes to be with the Lord first should show up in the other ones life like a butterfly. I remember a few days after Me-Ma's passing, I was so heartbroken with grief and I recall telling Greg that I just want Me-Ma to land on my arm like a butterfly. So even today, when I see a butterfly, I like to think of it as a gentle reminder of her presence. God has allowed me to take comfort in his creation of the butterfly to find peace and comfort in a sweet little conversation I once shared at the kitchen table with Me-Ma.



He has also given me His promise through Joshua 1:9..."Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Death is part of life and it comes...but knowing the giver of life allows us to face death with courage and no fear because He goes with us there and ushers us right into our new life...life eternal...with God our Father in heaven!

It's a lonely world out there~

I have hit the road wide open with travel for work once again. I am flying in and out of Newark, NJ weekly. The process of getting from point A to point B allows me to brush elbows and cross paths with so many people that are vastly different while at the same time they are all just alike. As I look around at all the people moving so rapidly to get to their destinations, I often wonder what condition their heart is in. I then think how can I possibly make a difference? I mean good grief…the Bible even warns me that the world is going to hate me. John 15:18 says, “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.” Those are real motivating words to pack up and hit the trail for sharing Jesus. I guess at least Jesus gives us warning so we are not caught off guard by the persecution and rejection that is sure to come as we go!

In all honesty, it’s not about some random act of going. He has a very specific plan that is perfect, but we have to listen and go at the sound of His voice that dwells inside of our heart! I know this and try my best to yield to the Spirit as I go out into the world. I have to tell you that sometimes it can be downright lonely out there. Just like last week, I was so very lonely deep inside my heart. I was surrounded by people with such selfish agendas, foul language, and drinking just to name a few things. The part that makes me most sad is to hear how many of the people have no problem referencing their faith or spiritual things, but live out their life in such a way that has no consistency with God’s word. I mean, do they even know what the word of God says? Do they care what the word of God says?

There seems to be no conviction of sin whatsoever and I find myself in situations where I am not led to speak a word, but to just be that example with my actions. We as Christians have to be willing to pass through people’s lives and hold fast to who we are in Christ Jesus regardless of how we may feel. Sometimes, I honestly think I would be more effective if I could travel around the country with a specific agenda to speak to groups seeking after Jesus instead of those that more or less scoff at the name of Jesus.

In all honesty, it comes down to what my newfound friend, Festus shared with me in Washington DC that you may have read about in my previous post. I have to pray and allow the Holy Spirit to move, pray and allow the Holy Spirit to move, and rely on Him always and forever to guide my steps as I go into a world that can tend to get lonely sometimes. If I am brutally honest, and I usually am…it can be very lonely serving inside a group of “church people” because it is not difficult to spot those that are leading a double life. With that said, there is a scary resemblance of those both inside the church and those that are in the world. God help me to continue going into this world while NOT becoming of this world.

He's Alive in the Hearts of His People

Here lately I have been doing a great deal of reflection on my journey with Jesus. There has just been something missing and as always I'm certain to be the problem. I try too hard to figure things out sometimes instead of just turning to God first. I get distracted sometimes and turn to Jesus last. Not my proudest momment, but it happens I must admit.

Anyway, during my time of reflection and searching I ran across a journal entry from December 3, 2007 that described a day in my life that was just like entertaining an angel. It went something like this...

We were landing in DC as we flew right past the Pentagon building. I was praying and asking God if He wanted me to go and prayer walk around the capitol building. I didn't have the right shoes for walking and really didn't want to go on this day, but was willing if God prompted me to do so. I just cried out to God to make Himself real to me on this day because I felt as if I was missing Him so much. I kid you NOT, within 30 minutes I was sitting down having lunch in the airport when a dark skinned gentleman (much like this picture) approached me and asked if he could sit with me to have lunch. This man was on break from his first week at work with the airlines. He spoke English although it was quite broken. Turns out, he is from the Sudan region of Africa. I was quietly talking to God about what to say to this man because I knew I had prayed a short time ago asking God to show Himself real to me. I knew this had to be of God. I blurted out, "Do you celebrate Christmas?" He looked back at me with a grin the size of Texas and said, "oh yes!" He proceeded to tell me that he would go to church. I asked what kind of church and he replied Pentecostal. He went on to tell me that he grew up Muslim, went to Catholic school, and now goes to a Pentacostal church. I became excited with the anticipation that he surely must know my Jesus! I immediately had to ask him if he knew Jesus and without a second of hesitation he volnteered that he was a born-again believer in Jesus Christ! The radient white teeth shining through his smile will forever be burned into my mind. He started to tell me that many people say Jesus is dead, but he took his fist and pounded it upon his heart telling me that He's NOT, Jesus is alive in the hearts of His people. He kept telling me we have to pray and let the Holy Spirit move, pray and let the Holy Spirit move. As his lunch came to an end, he let me know his time was up and he wanted to pray with me. This man reached across the table and took my right hand while praying for me. He then got up and left. I cannot tell you in words what happened inside of my heart during this moment in time. All I can say is He's Alive in the Hearts of His People and He hears our cries. I'm amazed at how the Lord sees the inside of our heart and knows what we need and when we need it. I needed that reminder that He is in fact ALIVE in the hearts of His people. God strolled my memory right back to one of the most powerful times in my journey when He revealed to me how ALIVE He is...and I receive it today!

Remember...We All Need Forgiveness~

I pretty much skipped out on the month of September and just didn't post. I tried, but just couldn't come up with anything. I must admit I've been caught up in a bit of a funk! I have been hanging on by a thread that is almost broken and I hate to admit that, but it is so true! I must say, I am so very thankful for those that have prayed for me and showered me with cards or words of encouragement through this little sad season.

There has been so many things going on in the lives of so many and as I have found myself ministering and loving on others, I can't help but take on their burden as part of my own. I'm pretty sure I will NEVER be immune to that nor do I really want to be. I can't help but hurt when people are hurting as they are reaching out for help. I always want to be ready to share the love of Jesus and point those in great need toward the cross of Christ!



This picture is a reflection of where forgivenss is found and I love it because it reminds me of my constant need for forgiveness in my life. Sure, I have brought many big issues of my life to Jesus, but I still battle so many things that reflect the attitude of my heart that might be less than pleasing to my savior on a good day. For example, I have belly-ached about my living situation for months now. It doesn't help that Kayla is growing wrestless and she's my baby so naturally I want to act fast for her sake. I have tried to orchestrate everything known to man so that things can change in my time and NOT so much God's time. Not a good idea and I don't recommend it:) I ultimately don't want to make any decision outside of God's perfect will for our lives, but sometimes I think I can come up with a great idea and then pray for God to bless it so it is okay to move forward with my plan exactly as I thought it up. HaHa...jokes on me with that one! I know better and am so frustrated that I fall for this tactic everytime I get impatient and tired of waiting. I have been so sideways in my life for the last month, I have fallen way short in my commitment to First Place 4 Health. I should have lost 10 pounds by now and I think with my losses and gains I am at a 2.2 pound loss overall.

The good news in all of this...I have managed to remain in God's word and in my Bible study most every single day and without doubt have been sustained during this season I've been experiencing. I am so thankful that God is the same yesterday, today, and forevermore. I am the one that moves and not God.

I think I'm being "Interrupted"...

Webster defines interrupted as the following: to cause a break in the continuity or uniformity of or to stop in the midst of doing or saying something.

Tonight is the 2nd "Oxygen" young adult ministry meeting where we are going through the study Interrupted. The more I dive into this study...the more interrupted my life feels. I know this is a good thing or should I say a God thing:) Jen Hatmaker talks about how sweet it is when you get to the bottom. She says it is really nice down there. I know this to be true as I have visited there. I think I am trying to get used to this idea that just maybe...God wants me to live there and NOT just be a visitor!

For a few years now, God has often reminded me of the excess that I have in my life. It is just such a chore to get the stuff together and then actually know what to do with it to help someone in need. I know my desires for more stuff has certainly changed. I don't really want to do excessive shopping for pointless items anymore. I'm not an unreasonable clothes shopper. I guess I would honestly have to say that most of my money in excess is spent on books and eating out. God has certainly done some work in me, but as I have shared before...I have been holding out in the back of my mind for the next house. I have been anxiously awaiting that sale of our home in Greensburg so we can make plans for where we will live next. God has provided us a home in the meantime and I promise I am trying to be content, but I think it is more about having a place that is mine rather than someone elses. On the flip side...I know God is not going to sell our home until my heart lines up according to His will.

God is passing people through my life that has afforded me the great opportunity to make friends and just listen and support others that are going through tough things in life. Giving of our time is a big interruption when you race through most days to see how many things you can check off your "To Do" list and keep moving.

I was thinking the other day, if I gave all the trivial stuff away in my life, I wouldn't need a very large place to live and there would be a lot less to take care of. The money we would save in a house payment and utilities would help me to help more people that are facing really challenging times. What an amazing opportunity it would be to point people to Jesus through those relatioships.

I wonder how many other people around me feel like their lives are being interrupted for the cause of Christ?

My Anchored Heart~

I thought I had things figured out enough that I was at least going in the right direction with my heart, but I’m coming to realize that I have this anchor attached deep inside that restrains me from drifting freely to the movement of God’s Holy Spirit unhindered.



If I get really honest with myself and God I am really ashamed and embarrassed that I am finding myself in this place. I desire to please God, but when it starts to cut a little too deep into what I am comfortable with I tend to pull back and find a place that allows me to be okay with it all. Here lately, the “American Dream” is being tossed in front of me. The Interrupted study we recently started talks about how we are too busy ministering to saved people and dreaming about our next big home. Then, today I find “Radical” and on the cover it says taking back your faith from the American Dream. I visited the website of “Radical” and listened to the video clip available online. It talked about how God might just call you to sell everything you own and follow Him. Could I do it? My stomach did a flip and I sat there with this feeling of not knowing what to do next. The truth of the matter is this...I honestly have tried to get a visual in my minds eye about what it would be like to sell all things that were not absolutely necessary. We are not debt free, but we have been striving toward that goal for a few years now and there is a freedom that comes with paying off debt! We are closer than we have ever been and sometimes I think how cool it would be to just sell off all things that are not needed and pay the remainder of our debt so that all of our income could be directed toward the Kingdom of God. Then...the reality of it all hits me square in the face and takes my breath. Lately, my idea of the American Dream is being flipped upside down.



There is one thing that Jen Hatmaker stated during the Interrupted study...(and I paraphrase)"This isn't fun, but when you get down there in this part of your heart it is where true fulfillment lies." Do you want it? Do I want it?

Accepting the things you cannot change~

Tonight I am sharing my testimony with women at the jail. I know I will be facing a group from all walks of life that are in a place they never really planned for their lives. I will be speaking to someone's mom, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, etc... I have never been in jail myself, but I know that my drug addiction could have very easily led me there if my situation had not come to a stop when it did. I still experienced many of the feelings personally that I know these women in jail are dealing with. I remember thinking my life was over on some level and I feared that I would never be respected as a nurse again. I was worried that I would forever carry with me a stereotype that screamed drug addict! I was truly at the end of "myself" as I like to call it. In looking back now...this was such a sweet place to be. When I am weak, He is strong! Without doubt, God had to allow this in my life so He could get me still and humble enough to listen and realize that I for once didn't have all the answers. Today, I can honestly say I am thankful for my drug addiction because it was through this valley that I was able to have the eyes of my heart fully opened to see Jesus for who He really is to me.